It’s 3 p.m., and as if on cue, your sweet toddler has become a Tasmanian devil. One minute they’re happily playing with their blocks, and the next, they’re screaming at you because you won’t let them stick their finger in the electrical outlet.
So what’s a frazzled parent to do?
One thing’s for sure: it’s essential to help your child learn how to regulate their emotions. In this article, we’re arming you with a few tips for staying cool and helping your toddler regulate their emotions even when they’re absolutely losing it.
Take a deep breath, and read on to learn more.
It starts with regulating your own emotions
Before you can help your toddler regulate their emotions, it’s important to take a step back and focus on regulating your own. In the heat of the moment, it can be tough to keep calm when your toddler is throwing a tantrum, but try your best not to take it personally.
Breathe deeply and try to see the situation from your child’s perspective. They’re just trying to communicate their needs and feelings, and they don’t yet have the tools to do so in a constructive way.
If you can stay calm, it will be much easier for your toddler to do the same. Plus, they’ll be more likely to listen to you if you’re not yelling or getting angry yourself.
Teaching emotional regulation starts with modeling the behavior for your kids. If your children see you successfully managing big feelings, they will pick up on it and follow your cues.
True, it might not get you out of this tantrum, but we’re in this for the long haul, right, mama? This is all about building a foundation for success.
Don’t Force Them to Stop Crying
“Just stop crying!”
We’ve all wanted to yell it at one point or another just to make the noise stop. But telling your toddlers not to cry is not only counterproductive, but it can be harmful to their emotional development. Research has shown that when we tell children to stop crying, it can make them feel ashamed and embarrassed of their emotions.
Instead of trying to stop the tears, validate your child’s feelings. Let them know it’s okay to feel upset, and that you’re there to help them work through it.
Saying things like, “I know you’re feeling frustrated right now,” or “It sounds like you’re really angry,” can go a long way in helping your child feel heard and understood.
And while you shouldn’t try to stop the tears, that doesn’t mean you should do nothing while your toddler is throwing a tantrum. In fact, there are a few things you can do to help them calm down and regulate their emotions.
Offer a Hug
Sometimes, all your toddler needs is a hug. This physical gesture can help them feel safe and loved, which in turn can help to calm their emotions.
If they’re upset, try scooping them up in your arms and holding them close. You can also rub their back or stroke their hair to help soothe them.
Remember, though, that you should never force a hug on a child who doesn’t want one. If they’re really upset, they might not be ready to be physically close to anyone, and that’s okay.
Give Them Some Space
On the other hand, sometimes your child might need some space to calm down. If they’re really upset, they might not want to be touched, and that’s perfectly normal.
In this case, try giving them a little bit of space. You can still offer your support, but respect their need for distance.
You might want to say something like, “I’m here if you need me, but I’ll give you some space to calm down.”
Then, you can wait nearby in case they need you, or even move to another room and give them some time alone.
Encourage Them to Use Their Words
One of the best things you can do to help your toddler regulate their emotions is to encourage them to use their words.
If they’re upset, try prompting them to tell you what’s wrong. You can say something like, “I see that you’re upset. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
If they’re having trouble putting their feelings into words, you can try giving them some options to choose from. For example, you might say, “Are you feeling frustrated, angry, or sad?”
Helping your child put their emotions into words can be a powerful tool for helping them to calm down. It can also help them to communicate their needs more effectively, which can prevent future tantrums.
Give Them a Chance to Vent
Once your child is able to express their feelings, it’s important to give them a chance to actually vent.
This means listening to what they have to say without interruption or judgement. It might be tempting to try to fix their problems or offer advice, but sometimes all they need is for someone to listen.
So, let them know that you’re listening by making eye contact and using phrases like, “I see,” or “I hear you.”
And resist the urge to jump in and solve their problems for them. If they’re upset about something that’s wrong, you can offer to help them fix it after they’ve had a chance to calm down.
Help Them Identify Their Emotions
Once your child has had a chance to vent, you can help them to identify their emotions. This can be a helpful tool for teaching them how to regulate their emotions in the future.
For example, you might say something like, “It sounds like you’re feeling really angry right now. Is that right?”
Then, you can help them to label their emotions by saying things like, “Anger is a normal emotion. Everyone feels angry sometimes.”
You can also help them to understand how their emotions are affecting their behavior. For example, you might say, “When you’re angry, it’s normal to feel like shouting or hitting. But it’s not okay to actually do those things.”
This can help them to understand that their emotions are valid, even if their behavior isn’t.
Enforce Your Boundaries
Just because we want to allow our children to feel their feelings and help them work through them doesn’t mean that we should allow them to disrespect boundaries. For example, just because your child is deep in their big feelings and that feeling is telling them to hit their sibling doesn’t mean you should let that behavior continue.
Saying things like “I understand you’re angry right now. It’s okay to be angry, but I can’t let you hurt your sister. You can hit this pillow instead” can help move that energy in a more constructive direction.
Be clear about your expectations and enforce them consistently. This will help your child to understand that their emotions are valid, but that their behavior still needs to meet your standards.
How to Stay Calm During Public Tantrums
One of the most challenging things about parenting a toddler is dealing with the inevitable tantrum in public. It can be difficult to stay calm when you’re worried that everyone around you is judging your parenting skills.
But try to remember that most of the people around you have been in your shoes before. And that, ultimately, the only person who needs to be concerned about how you’re handling the situation is you.
That said, there are a few things you can do to try to stay calm and help your child through their tantrum:
Remove yourself from the situation: if you can, try to move to a less crowded area or even leave the premises entirely. This will help to reduce the stress you’re feeling and make it easier to focus on your child.
Ignore the onlookers: it can be tempting to try to explain yourself to the people around you, but this will only serve to make the situation more stressful. Instead, try to tune out the people around you and focus on your child.
Breathe: it sounds cliché, but taking some deep breaths can help to calm you down and make it easier to deal with the situation. Visualize yourself inside a bubble that makes you and your child invisible to onlookers. Keep breathing, and direct your focus to the situation at hand.
Stay firm: it’s important to maintain your boundaries even in the midst of a tantrum. If your toddler’s meltdown was triggered by you saying “no” to that toy or candy they wanted, giving in will only reinforce the behavior as an effective way to get what they want.
Final Thoughts
When practiced consistently, the steps above can help you get through your child’s next tantrum. Eventually, as they become a habit, you’ll be armed with a playbook for getting through it, and that alone can be a source of calm and comfort in the face of the big storm that is a 2-year-old’s feelings.
Tantrums are a normal part of childhood, but that doesn’t make them any less challenging to deal with in the moment. The most important thing is to stay calm and consistent and remember that this, too, shall pass.
Good luck, mama!
